I need my RawFu therapists...

[KirbyCuke]

so I need to come clean and confess that I almost had an affair
please dont judge me....why am I telling you all this.??.well.I need to reclaim myself to all of you and most importantly to myself.

I had started talking to an old boyfriend (my first unrequited love) on facebook and he made lots of things resurface for me,most importantly lots of emotional issues.
I started feeling beautiful ,loved,desired,etc but you know he also made me feel,ugly,deceitful and shameful.
I always swore I would not be "that woman" who broke up a marriage,came between families with kids,etc and I was becoming that woman.
I was lying to myself about things,and hiding in the bathroom texting emails,and stealing precious time away from my family and kids.

this is also what I used to do with food,lie,steal,see eating is not just about the food,nor is having an affair just about the sex.
I am longing for some emotional contact,that Im just not getting from my husband lately.
I cannot and will not do this ...I have emailed him and stopped this before it truly started.
Im coming clean to all of you because I need to be authentic and I havent been lately.
I have seen such vulnerabilty here on the board especially on the "this is what beautiful looks like" thread,,which is why I did not enter....
I have not felt beautiful, I have felt very ugly inside and ashamed....
I have almost broken up 2 marriages-families
I have eaten cooked,processed crap and
I have gained 8 pounds in the past 2 weeks
thiis is me being authentic,now you see me,Im real

I now have to work to become beautiful again ,that is my next 10 day personal challenge,
to work on that and to put all the attention I was putting elsewhere on saving my own marriage and not destroying someone elses
thank you so much for listening!

[chasmyn]

I've done similar things when I was deliberately trying to self-destruct. I wonder if it is the same for you, that it is some sort of self- sabotage? Like maybe you feel unworthy of having your delicious life?

I'm not going to judge you. We're all human and we ALL make mistakes. The thing is, you STOPPED it and came to where you know you're supported and loved to "come clean". You didn't DO anything, everything that happened was just in your computer, just words, just thoughts. Not that these things cannot be powerful, but they only have the power we give them.

So maybe this: look at what you really DO want. Is it a solid connection with your husband? Emotional support from him? TELL him. Go and tell him how much he means to you and what you want and why you feel it is missing. Make him a promise, too - promise him the same.

And - really look at what you want. Envision your life as it will look if you have it. What does it look like? How does it feel? Keep seeing it, keep knowing that it is coming. Because YOU are creating it.

Do you know what our "Failures" give us? Contrast. Contrast so we can see what we REALLY want and what we don't. When we know what we don't want, it helps us to even better formulate what we DO want - does that make sense? And that is a gift.

Okay, time for me to sleep now, enough of my ramblings. I hope something here made some sense and is valueable to you. If not, no worries, either. Let it free.

Namaste'

You ARE worthy of your best life.

[Denise Duffield-Thomas]

You're not having a "break-down" you are having a "break-through". Maybe this is part of the journey for you - clearing out the crud and sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.

You'll come through this having cleaned up some old, old, ugly emotions.

You are really brave being so real to us - it gives us all courage to be real too.

You don't need to become beautiful - you already are beautiful. You already are perfection. For times like this, I look at these words I have saved on my phone:

"All is well. Breathe. You are on the right path. This too, shall pass"
and
"Small temporary sacrifices lead to permanent, long-lasting health, wealth and happiness"

thanks for sharing and keep strong

[shan brown]

yes this too will pass..and i used to feel i needed emotional support when i was with my ex sometimes..you and your husband may or may not work through this..but i wish you the very best..and you are already beautiful as mentioned here. :) be on your own side ;)

[kidkaras]

hi kirby!
I beg you!!!!! i mean beg you!!! to get a book called every woman's battle by shannon ethridge...it deals with everything you are feeling..it is a life saver..and it is specifically written for women (there is a mans version called every man battle and i had my husband read that one). I recommend this book highly!

[JenniferD]

kirbycuke... what we all are aching for, longing for, is unconditional love. that's really the only thing that will fill up this gaping black hole of need within us. the truth is that unconditional love is available to us in every moment, its our awareness of it that falters. you give yourself the gift of experiencing the love that is everyone's birthright when you STOP HIDING and start laying your flaws, warts, vulnerabilities all on the line and let people love you anyway. which is what you did in your post, and i'm really impressed. and i do see you. and while i haven't been in your situation, i've certainly done things compulsively, shamefully, and acted against my own personal code of ethics. you are real! you are human! and you are loved, warts and all.

(not everyone will be able to show you love in the face of your authenticity, and almost no one person will be able to show you love in every situation -- and it always says more about them than it does about you -- but if you keep opening, keep laying it out, enough people will to make a difference. and you'll feel how much more ALIVE you feel when you stop trying to gain people's approval, and feel truly loved instead.)

namaste. and guess what, i love you! eating cooked food, 8 lbs heavier, hiding in the bathroom texting your ex boyfriend and all. OR eating raw food, at your perfect weight, and coming clean about your shortcomings. either way.

[Anastazia]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kirby!}}}}}}}}}}}}

Vulnerability is beautiful because it's real...you are now officially beautiful....you have the RawFu stamp of Beautiful!

What's beautiful, too, is that you chose the right thing...what's beautiful about you is you love your husband & children more than your self, your memories, your carnal desires...

...what's beautiful is your strength, your ability & willingness to look deep inside & see what you truly want, & change direction as needed, even going back to that fork in the road & choosing the other path, the TRUE path, the one you want to be on!
How incredible is that, so few just plunge on ahead, led by lust, loneliness, & the blindness those things can bring...you've chosen to open your your eyes WIDE & not just look at right now, but at where continuing on this path would lead...you clearly have wisdom to accompany your love for your family! How blessed you are!!!
There is no marriage God cannot heal, strengthen, change, restore!!! NOT ONE!!! You are NOT alone in this, & He, too, is pleased with your wise choice! Please allow Him to lead you as to what to do to restore (or created!) the intimacy in your marriage HE created marriage to bring you both!! As Jesus said, "...& the two shall be one, never again two..." ..."& what God has joined togetether, let NO ONE tear asunder!" There'll be no tearing down the marriage He is welcome into!!! You've nade a clear decision for LIFE, not DEATH! For HEALTH, & WHOLENESS, not destruction or separation...these are incredible choices to celebrate! We all have free will, & you chose with love, in honor of your commitment to your marriage & your family. You are clearly a wonderful wife & mother....human, & still wonderful. Some day, when your marriage is stronger, & the intimacy you long for growing between the two of you by the day, you'll be able to share this part of the journey with him...maybe write him a letter now to give to him then....
...& welcome back, friend!
We're here for you, in any & every way we can be!
You, your marriage, & your family will remain in my daily prayers!
& here's one of my favorite Bible verses just for you,
"He is ABLE to do EXCEEDINGLY ABUNDANTLY above ALL that we could EVER ASK OR THINK!!!!" { My paraphrase of Ephesians 3:20. }
God can heal your marriage! NOTHING is impossible for Him!!!
Don't give up...just take it one day at a time, & things will change, because you changed your mind!
~Anastazia~

P.S.
Here are some links that may be helpful to you...

http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Plains/8218/help.html
http://www.heavenministries.com/ (scroll down a bit for article)
http://www.christianitytoday.com/marriage/features/help.html
http://christianity.about.com/od/christianbooksmovies/tp/marriagebo...

[rebeccaj]

sweet kirbycuke! thank you for sharing this with us.

my situation is totally and completely different from yours, but i've also felt so totally alone for many years, and spent many years looking for my emotional companion and healing to come from "someone else." anybody else, really, it didn't matter to me. what i've finally gotten very very clear on is that only I can be my own emotional companion, only I can be my emotional healer, and only I can be my one true love. the love i need has to come from within me - as in, it has to come from my connection to the Divine within me. i love mySelf completely and unconditionally. no man, woman or child can provide me with that love, and i cannot require my relationships to do for me what only my own divinity can do. your husband can't do it, and your ex-boyfriend can't do it. if we look for divine self-love anywhere outside of the divine and anywhere outside of the self, we will be constantly searching. if we look within, we find that we've been carrying with us all along exactly what we need.

love yourself. right here, right now, right in this perfection. you are wonderful.

[Tiffany]

{{{{Dearest Kirby}}}}
The truth has already been spoken to you in previous posts. We all love you...remember we are all here for each other...this is a journey and if a fellow Rawfu'er stumbles or falls we help pick them up, brush them off; then off we go again on a journey that never really ends!

I want to speak to you as a married woman...a mother...a girl who has finally found her happiness and peace in marriage and motherhood. Having experienced several really rough bumps in the road I have learned that if I want something I must give it first. Best example: If I want my husband to show me affection...then I pretty myself up (this gives me added self-confidence!) and slather attention and affection upon him! Tell me what man/husband is not going to respond positively to that! When he comes home after working all day, the house, wife and children are clean and he is met with love...also given a chance to decompress on his own before we all start yammering away at him. The house smells of good food, his comfortable chair is cleared of toys so he can sit down. What I'm getting at is when you want to re-connect with your husband lay the groundwork first. Remember what you want, you must give first. Women often forget that they have this type of "power" in relationships/marriage. We, as women, often get all "uppity" and start holding out as a sort of revenge....we will not make the first move until he does. Guess what? Men will rarely do that in a relationship...ummmm they are gun shy of the rejection/revenge that they fear is in store for them...also they are human and do not read minds, esp feminine minds! If you want affection and intimacy start it yourself! You two fell in love and got married for a reason....LOVE! Rekindle it! You can start by doing small things. A hug when he comes home. Smile and tell him what a great provider he is. When he plays with the girls and you observe those special moments...tell him what a great father he is. Praise your man!!!! Go for it! You will be amazed at the response.
Also as a side bonus...when you give like this to your man and children...guess what? You stop being so self-centered on all your pain, failings and imperfections! Instead you actually begin to experience spontaneous joy in the small moments of everyday.....This is love. This is peace.
The baton is now in your hand sister!

[Anastazia]

Yea! What she said!!!
Wonderful advice, Tiffany! (Massage helps, too! & don't forget date night!!!)
~Anastazia~
P.S.
How're you doing today, Kirby-Cute?

Tiffany said:

{{{{Dearest Kirby}}}}
The truth has already been spoken to you in previous posts. We all love you...remember we are all here for each other...this is a journey and if a fellow Rawfu'er stumbles or falls we help pick them up, brush them off; then off we go again on a journey that never really ends!

I want to speak to you as a married woman...a mother...a girl who has finally found her happiness and peace in marriage and motherhood. Having experienced several really rough bumps in the road I have learned that if I want something I must give it first. Best example: If I want my husband to show me affection...then I pretty myself up (this gives me added self-confidence!) and slather attention and affection upon him! Tell me what man/husband is not going to respond positively to that! When he comes home after working all day, the house, wife and children are clean and he is met with love...also given a chance to decompress on his own before we all start yammering away at him. The house smells of good food, his comfortable chair is cleared of toys so he can sit down. What I'm getting at is when you want to re-connect with your husband lay the groundwork first. Remember what you want, you must give first. Women often forget that they have this type of "power" in relationships/marriage. We, as women, often get all "uppity" and start holding out as a sort of revenge....we will not make the first move until he does. Guess what? Men will rarely do that in a relationship...ummmm they are gun shy of the rejection/revenge that they fear is in store for them...also they are human and do not read minds, esp feminine minds! If you want affection and intimacy start it yourself! You two fell in love and got married for a reason....LOVE! Rekindle it! You can start by doing small things. A hug when he comes home. Smile and tell him what a great provider he is. When he plays with the girls and you observe those special moments...tell him what a great father he is. Praise your man!!!! Go for it! You will be amazed at the response.
Also as a side bonus...when you give like this to your man and children...guess what? You stop being so self-centered on all your pain, failings and imperfections! Instead you actually begin to experience spontaneous joy in the small moments of everyday.....This is love. This is peace.
The baton is now in your hand sister!

[Tiffany]

Oh, yes! That's right! Date night and massages! Woooohoooo!

Anastazia said:

Yea! What she said!!!
Wonderful advice, Tiffany! (Massage helps, too! & don't forget date night!!!)
~Anastazia~
P.S.
How're you doing today, Kirby-Cute?

Tiffany said:

{{{{Dearest Kirby}}}}
The truth has already been spoken to you in previous posts. We all love you...remember we are all here for each other...this is a journey and if a fellow Rawfu'er stumbles or falls we help pick them up, brush them off; then off we go again on a journey that never really ends!

I want to speak to you as a married woman...a mother...a girl who has finally found her happiness and peace in marriage and motherhood. Having experienced several really rough bumps in the road I have learned that if I want something I must give it first. Best example: If I want my husband to show me affection...then I pretty myself up (this gives me added self-confidence!) and slather attention and affection upon him! Tell me what man/husband is not going to respond positively to that! When he comes home after working all day, the house, wife and children are clean and he is met with love...also given a chance to decompress on his own before we all start yammering away at him. The house smells of good food, his comfortable chair is cleared of toys so he can sit down. What I'm getting at is when you want to re-connect with your husband lay the groundwork first. Remember what you want, you must give first. Women often forget that they have this type of "power" in relationships/marriage. We, as women, often get all "uppity" and start holding out as a sort of revenge....we will not make the first move until he does. Guess what? Men will rarely do that in a relationship...ummmm they are gun shy of the rejection/revenge that they fear is in store for them...also they are human and do not read minds, esp feminine minds! If you want affection and intimacy start it yourself! You two fell in love and got married for a reason....LOVE! Rekindle it! You can start by doing small things. A hug when he comes home. Smile and tell him what a great provider he is. When he plays with the girls and you observe those special moments...tell him what a great father he is. Praise your man!!!! Go for it! You will be amazed at the response.
Also as a side bonus...when you give like this to your man and children...guess what? You stop being so self-centered on all your pain, failings and imperfections! Instead you actually begin to experience spontaneous joy in the small moments of everyday.....This is love. This is peace.
The baton is now in your hand sister!

[Ce]

I second all of what rubyvroom said!

[uZa]

(((((Kirby)))))

Give yourself a HUGE hug for drawing yourself up short before going over that precipice.
You are beautiful! And I agree with what Ruby said about the phoenix and the flame . . and btw . . it's okay to fall back in love with yourself again, and to fall in love and reincorporate the way you used to feel that left you feeling so good. IN other words, those feelings that were drawn up do not need to be tossed out with the rest. Obviously this is something that was missing in your life. So reintroduce it and love you. FEEL beautiful. Go to sleep with the mantra at night that, "I am beautiful and deserving of love." Let it be the first thought you have every morning, and remind yourself frequently throughout the day. You are no different than any of the rest of us, so treat yourself with the same kindness you would show any one of us who's gone through something like this.

You are not a bad person.

You are a person with unfulfilled needs.

Love you, and meet those needs, and reconnect with yourself and your hubby.

And love yourself. Hug yourself. Be kind to yourself.