Seasons will pass you by.....

[(((((((kEyTh)))))))]

Hello to all,
I have been quite removed from the world of internet and blogging.... I had the most wonderfull time at raw spirit fest... mmy participation briefly over the summer with Raw Fu certainly made me recognizable to a lot of people coming up to me at Raw Spirit Fest.
2008 had/has been an incredibly challenging year to me and my husband....
We had definitely decided we were staying togeather, so we had decided to go ahead and get married on the first day that gays can get married in California, which was June 17, of course its illegal again now as of the Nov 4 election, but we stay married, which is why we decided to get married... because they had said that even if it was turned around, however got married between june 17 and nov 4 would stay married, since no law in the history of the US has gone retro active---
Even tho we were having the worst year ever I had decided to marry Jayson because I knew i loved him immensely. he has been essentially disowned by his parents because they are (long story short) festering garbage...
I part of what was wrong with jayson's inner workings was that he did not feel like he belonged to anyone.
Iam 14 years older than Jayson, we had met chatting on the internet although we did not meet till two years after that initial contact...
being a crazy mad inspired artist I had always had this weird attraction to shamanism, and altered states with drugs.... Being somebody who is very firmly grounded and very rooted in the true conversation of mind/body... I would never go too far out there myself....
But I was very attracted to artists who had gone out there, and retained a sense of spirituality. That can be seen in my love of Willianm S Burroughs, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Jack Kerouac, Allen Ginsberg, Genesis P Ordridge, and finally one of my great heros Jhon Balance from Coil who fell to his death four years ago in a drunken state at age 41 in his and his lovers home in London.
Jayson was the perfect charactar for this attraction of mine....
He was a hustler in West Hollywood with a serious addiction to using crystal meth with a needle, and was incredibly spiritual and artistic....
Many talks we had about natural magick as well as our shared love of william S burroughs and especially his work: "Naked Lunch"...
I made the move of meeting him in person: and on our first date we stayed togeather for 3 days....
after months of dating the passion was obvious...
it was impossible for us to spend less than 36 hours togeather when we met........
We had actually made the conscious decision to not have sex right away either....... Neither one of us was very "freash" in that department and had the complete awareness of how gay sex blinds everything... we wanted to fall in love without that...
we already had...
but we just needed to make it real...
we dated for 6 weeks before we ever fucked...
slept togeather,
etc
and as I said none of our dates were ever shorter than a whole weekend...
We officially committed to each other on Summer Solstice 2003: two gay pagan artists living in the mountains starting life on the longest day of the year...
We both had lots of "baggage" ....
but the fire was undeniable....
fire is a good and bad thing:
when contolled it can aid in making beautifull pieces of glass, forged metal work,
oh ,,, lovely candles around the house... warmth from the central heating....

out of control it is a wild out of control forest fire, war, etc

I think that we have continued were a lot of people have stopped. There was a movie called "War of the Roses" which was about a crazy couple like us.
at the end of the movie though, they failed.
We are not going to



So off to raw Spirit Fest I go with my friends from my Raw food meet up group: Alexis, Lorena and Paul....
being very into getting up early and not needing a lot of sleep, I was always getting up way way way before my roommates, and so I would go on long meditative walks through out sedona leaving from the radison every morning....
Strangely, I was very surprised with actually being at a RAW SPIRIT FEST that I did not see more people in my same situation with everyone making so many claims about how little they sleep on the raw diet..... something I have never aspired to quite frankly, ,, I love sleep,,,,
I love to dream..
and I sleep very fully and very quickly when I lay down---
The Boutenko's and Gabriel cousens were about the only people I saw floating around that early....
One of my roomates who always claimed how little he slept pretty much was the first one asleep and was snoozing easily past 830am....
It was on these morning meditations that I was sending out energy to come up with some solution to my ups and downs with Jayson.

All I can say is:
be carefull what you wish in Sedona---
the energy vortexes are quite well known there,
and
well===
cosmic energy went straight to work...

Jayson and I had not been on the best terms when I had left for Raw spirit Fest...
He was headed to Las Vegas to visit his toxic parents, which I was quite annoyed about because in the fall we have a horrible fire danger were we live...
One of us has to stay home....
The year before he had gone to a student government conference which was the weekend of Raw Spirit Fest 2007 which I had decided not to go to because of it being RIGHT at the deadliest time for fires: the weekend of Oct 21....
Yes we had one of the worst fires ever,
and i had to evacuate by myself....
Iam not materialistic at all,
but my artistic soul is attached to something very material:
my synthesizers, all my recording equipment, as well asd all my non electronic intruments: guitars, percussion, ethnic stinged instruments, flutes etc...
not only that but I have two large dogs and 3 cats.
Will, before Jayson came along, I had a single cat, so , in my eyes they are HIS animals although I love them all dearly.
Needless to say I was very pissed that he decides to go to a family reunion the same time I was going to raw spirit fest since in my eyes I had considered that he owed me one from last year....

So the weekend proceeding raw spirit fest we evacuated my studio off the mountain---
which is very very annoying to have to be done---- it can break down in about 8 hours , but it takes litterally months to set it back up...
The energy surrounding us before I left for Raw Spirit Fest was very volatile...
I had gotten a burrito thrown at me on the Thursday before because I was very irritated with him with the circumstance....
it was not only not raw, but it was not vegan either---
some of it was still throwable after it hit me, so it was picked up and thrown at me again from closer range.....
and if memory serves I think it still had throwable parts and was thrown a third time at me....
So that was the energy around me when I was at Raw Spirit Fest from my partner....

although I was on one of the best natural highs ever as soon as I left souther california and got to Sedona....

However, since I had carpooled to raw spirit fest I had to be picked up by Jayson down in the city, which is where all my friends live.... I live in the mountain range known as the san bernardino's..... my friends live generally in the city at the foot of those mountains known collectively as the inland Empire.....
I met up with Jayson at the Walmart parking lot right at the base of the mountain,,,,
after parting ways with Lorena and Paul, we had already dropped off Alexis in Yuciapa which is on the way....
Jayson and I got right back into it....
so badly he wound up attacking me and gashing my open with his lunge at me in the car....
we were one minute from the house....
I got out of the car and I was bleeding very bad...

I started walking home and decided I had enough, called 911 on my cell phone right there as he raced past me headed home.....
Definitely not the first call to the sheriff to our house...
in fact at that point theyd already told us that people were getting taken in the next time they had to come...
The paramedic came, etc---
it was a nasty cut, and they said I would need stitches...
I tried to avoid that by releaving the smartest one of his liability by making him determine if it was really that bad..
Ive had a ton of body piercings over my adulthood,, and my eye brows were already scarred from having a multitude of eyebrow piercings on and off over the years--- I think I have gotten them , taken them out, and got them pierced in again like 4 different times over 20 years---
(yea thats right, I been a freak a real damn long time; I got my first piercings in 1988 at the Gauntlet in Los Angeles which was the ONLY place you could get body piercings in the world at that time from a store front)
Jayson clobbered me at about 3am on the tuesday after raw spirit fest

he was arested at about 10am for domestic violence---


that is why i disappeared right after raw spirit fest, I withdrew into hibernation, sort of unsure of were I was headed at that point..

be care ful what you ask for in Sedona---

So there I was alone in my house,
not really what to sure to make of things, I knew things were going bad wrong with me and Jayson. My point of view was though that always kept me from treating Jayson like everyone else would another human being was that he was MY SON also. I had shaped him into who he was, I give him nurturing and he took it like a nursing baby really when I think about it... His mother and stepfather were very bad to him. Jayson is a very old soul as well. I knew intuitively that Jayson was very much locked into me, and as well me and MY family as it was really his family. i think I could write a very meaningfull spiritual paper on how human beings can RAPE other human beings in ways other than sexually or physically. my soulmate went thru that badly, and still does did and will as he continues the toxic connection ( as I write this things have changed , but the slight toxic connection is still something he doesnt get how bad it is)...
This WAS the right move to make tho--
I told myself that a million times that first day--
I knew I had to put an end to the violence, it was not the first time, but the third time he had attacked me-- he was a wrestler in high school and he had a tremendous focus of physical power when he wanted it--- his ability to do insane completely upside down backwards sideways yoga poses that advanced yoga teachers cant touch and are only drawn in a book or some ancient dark skinned silver Laharisi Pretzelnanda can attest to how amazingly focused he is physically.
Did i wait for the 4th time after this if I forgive him-- and then he breaks an arm and I cant play guitar anymore :-/
No, I did the right thing....
But then my time was difficult as well with our local friends--
and keep in mind Im the weirdo to all these people ESPECIALLY because of the way I eat ---
several of Jayson's closest friends were women and they seemed to have this view that I should have not put him in jail, that I should have "just walked away"...
I thot that that view was kind of askew with them being women ... ?
was it because I was a man and he was a man ?
because Iam 6'7 ?
I, myself, do not have a natural capibility for fighting or violence like most men do. Funny thing is Jayson's best friend is this crazy bitch named marie who has probably actually slugged some men , and definitely some women Im sure-- she's cute and sexy as hell too, but you l wouldnt wanna be on the wrong side of that bitch when she is throwing fireballs, god help her poor husband who was once my best friend before he made me sick of the abuse he took from her.
So, people who were normally around our lives were not now.
I wound up doing a lot of talking to Alexis (Thrive survive) about stuff.
Honestly I can not figure out what I could say to anyone that eats cooked food or is not at least in admittance that the raw life style is the beginning of the path of all that is true and truth...
My attitude is the mind and the soul are connected to the body.... so if your eating shit, your body is shit and your mental and spiritual part of you are swimming in shit.... i dont give a crap if your superr ass spiritual got it made,, blah blahblah
I 100% agreee with David Wolfe in saying that "you are what you eat" trumps everything...

so if ur meditating in a cave 3 hours every morning and meditating 5 more hours after that but eating cooked food---
HEY, guess what ? ur not everything you can be....

So my point is :
another raw fooder to me was the only person in my mind who offered a opinion i found usefull....
Im at my point with the therapist I see once a week,
at times i think i give him more advice than he does me---
last week he said: "this is off the clock and off the record, but could you tell me more about the herbs ur taking" ?
Im sure he's know taking credit for the stable emotions of several of his clients hes now got on HoShou Wu, Reishi and Ashwaganda...

Will I had not been smoking pot or drinking coffee at all---
I kept that going for about four more days--
I wound up on saturday driving out to Lorena's to pick up my IPOD docking station that I had left in her van after Raw Spirit Fest, I picked up Alexis and Paul, because they were at Alexis's Co Op produce meet up, which i dont do because i only eat wild food and kitchen sprouts... My sexy androgynous friend Rachel was with me who was visiting from Olympia so we all kind of had one last post raw Spirit Fest Gathering in Lorena's kitchen. She had just bought one of those new more expensive noodle maker things for veggies- ( not the spirolli, which sux in my opinion)..
So I dropped Paul and Alexis off after spending some time at Lorena's till kinda late... was just like being at the Raw Spirit fest in our room at the Radison staying up late hours like kids at a slumber party....
I forgot to mention that we talked about the october meet up and having it at Lorenas again as a Halloween party.. I told them I would play my Second culture music live if they wanted since they had heard my stuff at Raw spirit Fest in our room

I think that is one thing Iam identifying right now is that the whole world is very child like when im with other raw fooders in real time... The whole world is beautifull... The way it should be.. We are all doing the best we can and enjoying each others company doing it...

Raechel my friend from Olympia was my friend from my home town here in this little mountain community.. Ive known her for about 5 years, she's only 21, but she is very sophisticated since she's kinda been more or less on her own all her life in a way, she is like a lot of kids up here that are off spring of hippie mountain trash-- They are very empowered kids because their parents have not reared them properly and there really nothing to do here but get into nature.
She is totally awesome...
well so, when we got back to my house we smoked (pot).

i slept very nicely and dreamed very hard...

The next day i woke up and said fuck not smoking pot right now--
I need to build my spirit right now and that means lots and lots of creativity, lots of weed, and lots of coffee....
100% raw as always tho--
that week I started working on a piece of music which was to be for me playing the raw food meet up---
Id always been wanting to one of my ambient house pieces with the sampled dialog from all lectures of raw guru's: David wolfe especially was the center piece within the 18 minute track, and then there was great bits I got of Juliano from David Wolfes account on youtube. So many people are put off by his cockiness, I personally love it because Id just have to say cause Im a cocky fucker too :-) Yeah, and I can definely rant like him too when I get going, just ask Alexis and Lorena, my two phone pals................
I met up with a guy on MySpace who lived on t he same mountain as me, but in the next community which would be the world famous Big Bear Lake. (The town I live in is a place you pass thru on your way to Big Bear. Big Bear is a huge resort community, as with Lake Arrowhead which is on the other side of us). His name is Shane, he is vegan and is also an electronic musician, but he is into very dark music... I decided to collaborate with him for this gig since it was Halloween themed. Otherwise darkness is not really a theme I use in Second Culture at all. My material is all intended to be very uplifting and awe inspiring of magick and nature...
i had never really got to deep into Shane before we started working on this, in fact, I had only physically met him once before I decided to collaborate with him on this gig...
He is one of those vegan punk kids,
he chain smokes marhboro reds, and he thinks the whole world is bullshit---
He's a brilliant frickin musician, with a great since of space and timing which is important in synthesizer music..
very angry young man...

really made me realize all of beauty needs to be on the inside to radiate outward to save the world--

its not a new saying,
but its interesting when you here/see those things in action---

after spending a long time with Shane I really *FORCED* myself to stop thinking about other people ---
and just point that high powered anger and magnification at myself-- there was plenty of room for improvement in me---
plus how was already positive seemed to really show to shane, he said he had never been around someone so positive....
so you know ? Im having a great effect then, right ?
of course !
so why not be as positive as I can be,
and look to see the good in everything.......

(im gonna take a break on this story again,,, I guess Im at about chapter 2 of 5 chapters)

[RawDietitian ☮ & ♥]

You know, that night you brought everyone over to my house after raw spirit fest is a very warm and special memory for me. It did my heart more good than you will ever know...