Outburst and deep seeded anger

[Cocoa Anaise]

when I was around 15-16 I was a terribly angry person, alot having to do with the unknown allergy I had imbalancing my hormones and moods. I have been going through these intense anger sperts, mostly when I am heightened by someone else, or I'm just intensely angry. Its like I feel like something is coming out of me, but I feel like.. I came to reason with my anger along time ago when I changed my diet and really worked on understanding it. So here I am not feeling like myself having anger bursts with my partner, sure we were in a conversation that I got a bit pissed off but I've been having a flux of Intense rage, and total sadness. I don't understand my body right now, I feel like somewhere inside I'm releasing something deep seeded, but part of it feels completely obsurd. I feel really out of control in my life, I want to leave the location I am right now but I'm slaving to work so I can leave, I barely see the person that is the reason I make it though the day, and I feel so taken advantage of by one of my bosses at my first job, and I can't quit because I'm afraid I'll not be able to find another job with the economy and I'll have to stay longer. I come home and my house looks like a reck cause neither I or my partner have anytime to clean cause we are always rushing to get going to work ect. and by the time I get home I'm so exausted all i want to do is lay down because my body hurts so much.
Those times I'm in complete rage with my partner make no sense to me, and as I'm in that rage I'm completely sad like I want to cry because I feel like I'm hurting him and myself with what I can't understand. I love him so completely and deeply, more then anyone else I've ever been in love with, the last thing I would want to do is hurt him.
So is this me growing from old parts of my body and mind? Could it be my fustration with my situation and my anger of feeling out of control? Could it be my partner flaring growth in me and me not feeling like I can't handle his criticism of things I haven't grown out of? Could it be my body changing? I guess all of them, I just feel like I've been trying to ignore my brains current.
I guess in my nature over the long years I was such an introvert, when someone confronted me I did the best I could to hear what they were trying to say without reacting even when it hurt, or I would just say I was wrong to make the other person happy when really I felt hurt and didn't agree. Fear of stepping up, or to be put down by stepping up. My mouth hasn't had filters, I've been talking back to bosses, friends, my partner and just being so blunt to a point without a filter, in a way I haven't been able to control. Some part of me has changed, I've broken some old part of me that just wouldn't disagree and now I can't control my damn mouth. So when the bad things come out I'm left feeling hurt because I don't feel like I wanted to say that or that it isn't in who I am to say that.

Its the Pitta dosha, deep seeded and out of control.

[Angela]

As you lose sight of your own needs, your anger grows. You are going to need to take some time for yourself and you will also need to find ways to gain control in different areas of your life concerning what you want and need. The back lash is coming from a loss of control. You are running around like a chicken without a head. I'd like you to do two things...take time in the morning to think about the things you want to accomplish and do and try to get one of those things done, just for you. The second is to take time before bed to reflect on what you have done for yourself and how you can improve that the next day. Do you think you can take a half hour in the morning and at night to do this?

[inspiredej]

`Hi Hannah Mae
wow.. what a post!
I can SO relate to where you are at. I have been there in my life too.
My dad used to say I was like a bull going through a china shop.! I had no filters.. what came out of my mouth was just it.. no stopping me.
I was angry since a little kid.. my parents tell me that too. ( You were a miserable child, Elissa ( EJ is the name everyone calls me now, but my birth name is Elissa).)
I hurt people with my anger, did not feel good inside myself because I was angry at others and me.
Now that you know that I can relate,, lol.. I 'll tell you what I did to move in the direction of where I wanted to go.
It has been a process, for sure. I know that I found that when I was moving into something new, that I tended to go to extremes, then eventually came to a balance point.
So, when I needed to learn how to have better boundaries, I started putting them up with such intensity people were shocked! But it is what I felt I needed to do at the time.
Hannah, what Has helped me so much in my life is being able to start writing what I am grateful for, or what I love.
It sounds rather simplistic really. but it has had HUGE ramifications. The focus on what is good, what is love put me in the direction of where I wanted to go.
I wake up in the morning and think of all the things I am grateful for , from the smallest little thing that I take for granted ( like breathing, sunshine, a soft bed, ) to food to eat that is amazing, a healthy family, a healthy me, and the most beautiful nature surrounding me that I could possibly imagine!
Another idea along this line with your partner and where you are living... is write all the things you love about each of them down. Everything you can think of. Do this everyday for 30 days.. ( even if it is only a few lines a day... ) and see if anything changes.

For me, this process was transformative. And continues to be so. I have experiences that I have gotten through that just turning my head in a different direction ( meaning my thoughts) changed how I interacted and how I was the rest of the day.

One last thing.. you can 'start your day over at any time'. Which means is if you are having a bad day.. you can say. OK,, from right now, this minute,, I am going to start FRESH.. NEW.
For me, I sometimes Have to do that many times a day, when it is not such a good day. but that helps me too to gain perspective.

I have written about some of the things that are going on in my life on my blog if you are interested,, the ups and the downs, and how I have handled them.
here's the link
If you want share more about it,, feel free to email me too!!

Lots of love and peace to you Hannah Mae

EJ

[Bunny Berry]

Hannah Mae,

I just also wanted to add that cleaning the house up might actually make you feel MUCH better about your situation. There are times when my house gets so cluttered that it actually takes over every other part of my life and makes everything around me (relationship, job, spirituality) feel cluttered, too. Go on a cleaning rampage, and throw out a bunch of stuff that's physically holding you down in your space. Give stuff away that you don't want, and visualize yourself moving forward and not being stuck. I swear, the cleaning helps.

[inspiredej]

So true, Bunny,, that helps me a lot too.. when I get the clutter out, I can see things more clearly and get myself into solution mode much easier!